United Airlines DEI Includes Dead People

Scott Kirby, United Airlines CEO, announced that the company has upgraded its renown Diversity, Equity and Inclusion (DEI) program to now include dead people.

“While it may seem that the 8 billion people living is a lot, when I read the World Economic Forum estimate that 109 billion people have died, I realized that we were discriminating against a huge unrepresented group:  the dead.  That’s a lawsuit I don’t want our shareholders to face.”

When Chuck Todd, MSNBC’s Chief Science Correspondent, was asked what he thought of the new upgrade, his official response was:  “I commend Scott for fully embracing DEI.  This is something that his predecessor should have done years ago. I can only hope that MSNBC will follow his lead.

United Airlines

In a statement to the press by United’s Chief Financial Officer:

“We are immediately hiring over 100 newly dead pilots for trans-Atlantic and trans-Pacific routes.  This will not only move us to the highest echelon of DEI implementation, it also will increase our operating margin because we plan to implement our Dead DEI Pilot Program (DdeIPp) in our fully automated Boeing 737 MAX aircraft.  It’s a win-win for our passengers and our shareholders.  Our passengers get the psychological comfort of knowing there’s a human pilot in the cockpit while the airplane flies itself.  Simultaneously, our shareholders benefit as we reduce our operating costs by paying our newly dead pilots at a market rate of $8.05 per hour while no longer having to pay needless social security, pension, and health benefits.”

Off the Record:  Wall Street vs. United Airlines

At an alleged meeting at Goldman Sachs between David Solomon, CEO of Goldman Sachs, and Chuck Todd from MSNBC, Solomon was overheard saying, “Chuck, this is a genius move!  Pilots have always been a thorn in the side of airline profitability because of their ridiculous compensation plans and their whining about needing sleep between flights.  United will be able to work these pilots to death with no fear of reprisals from the pilot’s union.”