Disney’s Lucasfilm President, Kathleen Kennedy, excitedly announced her new Star Wars trilogy during the 2023 Star Wars Celebration.
Star Wars to feature the return of Mary Sue Skywalker
Kennedy cleared up a common misconception by stating that: “Mary Sue Skywalker, the character formerly known as Rey, will appear in all three movies! But honestly, I have to credit J.J. (Abrams) for his inspirational idea of retconning Mary Sue into 25,000 years of Star Wars history.”
Chuck Todd, an avid Star Wars fan since he turned 40, covered the event on behalf of MSNBC. While asking a follow-up question about who was being cast as R4D9, Kennedy responded by giving away the entire story of the new trilogy.
“Chuck, here’s what has happened so far. J.J. and Insert Female POC are busy writing the script and preparing to co-direct. The first film is set 6 minutes after the conclusion of Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker and will be titled Mary Sue Skywalker: A New Hope. It shows how Mary Sue terraforms a dead star into a livable planet called Also Tatooine in six days. She has no terraforming skills, but she was born with the knowledge! And…”
“…but isn’t that a little extreme for someone as young as Mary Sue…” Todd tried to interject.
“…on the seventh day, instead of resting, she created the New Order of Jedi. J.J. and Insert Female POC skillfully stretch these two simple events into a beautiful 90-minute movie that reunites Princess Leia with Mary Sue.”
“…but she’s dead!”
“Chuck, nobody dies in Star Wars. Ever.”
“I mean, in real life, Carrie Fisher is dead.”
“We have the best A.I. team from MySpace working on the details, Chuck! And this movie will be followed up in two-year increments with Mary Sue Skywalker: The Empire Strikes Back and Mary Sue Skywalker: Return of the Jedi! Then the last scene in the quasi-final movie ends just as we had initially intended Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker to end!
Off the Record: Wall Street vs. Disney’s Star Wars
“Brian, the war in Ukraine is old news; Goldman Sachs has milked that for as much money as possible through Dick Cheney’s War Baby War,” David Solomon allegedly stated during a secret meeting with MSNBC’s retired admiral, Brian Williams. I’m really excited about what Kennedy is doing with Star Wars. She’s going to milk that franchise even better than Marvel by turning out years of garbage that people still feel compelled to watch.”
“David, if I’ve said it once, I’ll repeat it: on behalf of my royal family, we’re thankful you continue to helm Goldman Sachs.”
Be the first to comment