“The Amazon Cilantro SUV is designed to conquer Musk’s Cybertruck. It’s the same thing we did to him with the resounding success of my Blue Origin New Shepard compared to the Space X whatever-it’s-called?”
Cilantro SUV vs. Cybertruck
On NBC, crew members reportedly overheard Andrea Mitchell asking Chuck Todd: “…did you know it’s called the New Shepard?” Todd allegedly responded: “…his spaceship? I thought it was the SS Dildo. Isn’t that the name everyone voted for in Maricopa County?”
“Chuck, I’m sitting right here,” Bezos responded on the NBC set. Anywho, our Cilantro SUV uses electricity generated by decomposing cilantro.”
“Wouldn’t that take a lot of cilantro, Jeff?”
“No one outside of Manhatten actually likes cilantro, Andrea. Our Whole Foods stores literally discard millions of pounds of cilantro every day. I don’t even like saying the word; it makes my tongue pucker up.”
“Well, I love cilantro,” retorted Mitchell.
“Anywho, electricity generated at Whole Foods by methane gas generators powered by decomposing cilantro was the key. Now we have an almost limitless supply of electricity, but we didn’t know what to do with it,” Bezos lectured.
“That was the genesis of the Amazon Cilantro SUV?” Todd questioned.
“Exactly!”
“Jeff, as a follow-up question: is it true that you’re purchasing Yahoo, AOL, and Myspace, YAM as it’s rumored to be called, in a bid to beat Musk with his recent purchase of Twitter?”
“Andrea, I can’t confirm any of that.”
“What about your announcement that you’re giving away almost all of your wealth? I mean, you’ve already given 0.25% of it to help eradicate COVID through your Underground LTD organization,” Mitchell continued.
“That’s old news, Andrea….”
Off the Record: Wall Street vs.Cilantro SUV
In a recent meeting between Brian Williams and David Solomon, CEO of Goldman Sachs, Solomon allegedly was overheard saying, “…so that’s why I’m concerned about the Cilantro SUV. It’s taking Jeff’s eye off the ball. The ball being the shareholders of Amazon. No one cares about the environment; Jeff needs to stick to what he knows best: always low prices coupled with always low wages.”
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